"Do you guys have any kids?"
"No. Not yet..."
"What are you waiting for?!"
What are we waiting for? Oh, just waiting for the doctor recommended time to pass after the D&C I had a month ago. Then, we'll be waiting until we feel ready to move forward and try again after the loss of our little miracle.
This sweet sales associate at Verizon, who is obviously a proud and happy mother, was just trying to make polite conversation. She had no idea that she was asking the most insensitive question you can ask a couple who have tried for years to get pregnant and just suffered a miscarriage only a short month ago.
Tyler and I looked at each other having one of those telepathic conversations couples have. We were having a good day, so we decided to be nice and polite in response. (Not like the day the client at work told me that children were the Lord's greatest blessing and delaying to have children was a sin... Oh yeah, that happened! And I let her have it pretty bad. I wasn't even sorry when she apologized, almost crying.)
"We are just waiting for our bodies to work." *smile*
*embarrassed* "Oh, I'm sorry..."
"Thanks. It's okay."
The conversation could totally have ended there, but of course, it didn't...
"Well, let me tell you a story! My brother's sister-in-law and her husband tried to start a family for 10 years and had no success. So, they adopted. Then, she found out she was pregnant. She ended up having 4 more children naturally after the adopted one! You never know what will happen!!"
Thanks for sharing. *eye roll*
Here's the deal, people:
Do not ask couples questions regarding their plans to start a family. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! They may be struggling with infertility, they may have just suffered a miscarriage, they may have lost a child, or they may just not feel ready to have kids right now or ever. It is their business, not yours. Starting a family involves the most intimate part of a relationship.
You may think you are asking, "So, are guys going to have kids soon?"
But you are really asking, "So, are you having unprotected sex?"
What kind of answer do you want? "Yeah, we ditched the birth control and we're just going at it like rabbits. Cross your fingers for us!"
You may think you are just asking, "So, why don't you guys have kids yet?"
But you are just causing us pain, cause guess what! We ask ourselves that every day! If we were as fertile as some of our friends and family we could have 2 kids by now. You have just reminded us of how infertile we are, and how painful it is that everyone else is noticing.
The common misconception after we respond (making you feel like a creep for even bringing it up) is that you must then make it better by telling us about your brother's sister-in-law's cousin's friend's aunt and uncle who tried for 20 years and then had 10 kids. That's cool, but you do not have to tell us a bedtime story. We are adults. A simple apology is fine and we can just move on from the awkwardness that just happened because you asked a stupid question.
But the point of this blog is to help you avoid an apology by avoiding the stupid question. JUST DON'T ASK! Strangers have no business asking about another stranger's personal life. So, don't do it, Please.
Much thanks, from all infertiles everywhere.