It's already been 3 months since I was 3 months pregnant. 3 months since we found out we'd lost Baby Boston at 12 weeks. 3 months since my D&C at 13 weeks, because my body just couldn't let go of that little fetus. 3 months since I woke to the empty realization that my baby was gone.
|Yep! That was me, already showing at 11 weeks.|
And while January felt like a hell that wouldn't end, the time since has raced passed me faster than I can believe. The break in my heart still feels like a fresh wound, and some days I still wake up expecting to be pregnant, thinking that surely I must have dreamed a terrible nightmare. I still wear the maternity leggings I had just purchased days before- partly because I wish I was still pregnant and partly because, let's be honest, they're too comfortable to give up. Why can't it be fashionably acceptable to wear stretchy pants all the time??? I mean, really! Aaaaand back on topic...
I can't believe its been 3 months.
I've been ready to be pregnant again since February, but that's easier said than done. I hoped that 3 months of pregnancy had healed my body, and by some miracle it would start working like it should. I dreamed that we would get pregnant by surprise- no doctors, no meds, not tests.
So, now we face the decision to start Femara, again. Femara wasn't bad. It made me really sleepy, but that was hardly much to complain about after the havoc Clomid raged on my hormones and emotions. And I got pregnant the 3rd month I was on it, so the problem isn't about taking Femara. Its everything that comes with really starting to "try" again. For those of you who think, "Trying is the fun part!" SHUT UP! Trust me, you have obviously never "tried" to get pregnant. There is nothing fun about ultrasounds when there's no baby, having your blood drawn all the time, and taking pee tests at the most accurate ovulation read time (which, by the way, takes about 4 minutes to season and is when you are at work, using the public restroom)
Right now, Tyler and I are so happy! We have found peace after the miscarriage. We have fallen more in love. And we are content. It's hard to maintain happy and content once you start the roller coaster of infertility again.
Like I said, were facing the time to decide at the end of this week... Well, my period just came 4 days early and took my time to decide!!! What a jerk. Just another reason to hate that damned messenger.
So, here I lay, exhausted, but wide awake. Weighing the pros and cons of starting Femara again tomorrow, or putting it off another month. Weighing what I want against what I can handle. And coming to the ultimate decision that, while I'm ready for a miraculous conception that takes no effort on my part (and not giving up on that idea!), I am not quite ready to head down the road of meds, and tests, and stress, and disappointment again just yet.
But, ya know what? That's okay. It's my life and it's Tyler's life. He loves me and he'll patiently wait for me, because he is just that amazingly cool. And because he knows that, eventually, I will be ready.
And someday, I will be pregnant again.