Nausea and Hot Flashes and Narcolepsy, OH my!

Nausea and hot flashes and narcolepsy, Oh My!

Yep. Welcome back, Femara.
Heeeeeerrrre we go, again!

Even though its happening, I still can't believe it. I can't believe we have to do this, again. I didn't think that this would be the hardest of all things to accept, but it is. And now, more than before, I just can't seem to accept that my stupid ovaries really don't work. (Man, I hate those buggers.)

I guess, I read one too many blogs or post-D&C forum posts about women who tried for X years to get pregnant, lost the pregnancy at X weeks, and miraculously got pregnant X months later on their own. Suddenly, I was creating imaginary, fairy tale, surprise pregnancy stories in my head. I knew it was silly, and would probably end in my great disappointment, but what can I say? I'm a dreamer. There are upsides and downsides to being so positive. The biggest downside is the disappointment.

Nevertheless, here we are.
Dreaming big, again.
Hoping, again.
Taking pills, again.
Peeing on sticks, again.
Getting poked with needles, again.
Going through it all, again...
Because we hope it will work, again!
Scared, because what if it's lost, again?

I'm filled with hope, because my only other option is to be filled with fear- fear of it working and being lost again, fear that it won't work at all. But I know I can't give in to those fears. I live in hope, because I tried living in fear and it nearly killed my soul. Living in hope is the only way to survive all of this. With hope, the savior walks beside me, lifts me up when I start to drag my feet and carries me when I cannot walk on my own. So, to keep him along my side, I continue with hope. Hope that, eventually, someday, somehow we will have a little one here with us. Hope that someday I'll see my husband holding a baby that is our own. Hope that I'll hear a little voice call, "Mommy!" and I'll be the one who answers. 

Femara is our hope, our chance.
And, really, being tired, nauseous and hot is no big sacrifice.

I'm  armed with caffeine, a fan and FAITH.