I stopped at Target after a long day at work to pick up a few things. As I wandered past the baby section, I stopped to look for Christmas presents for the nephews. I sifted through the Christmas jammies and thought about celebrating Boden's first Christmas this year. I thought about how it would have been our baby's first Christmas, as well. I thought about how this time last year I was pregnant. I thought about how different this year is ending than it began.
I clung to the 3-6 month footie pajamas that I could have been buying for my baby's first Christmas and began to cry. Yep, I cried right there in Target. It wasn't a weeping-and-wailing kind of cry, but it wasn't a single, solitary tear either. It was somewhere between just-enough-to-be-embarrassing and not-too-attention-drawing.
After a while, and a prayer of thanks that no one had seemed to notice me, I hung up the pajamas and made my way out of the baby department, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.
This fall has been an emotional one, with Boston on my mind so much. Deciding to take a long break from fertility treatments has been relieving and painful. Its good to have a break after 3 years, but its also been hard to accept what is and make peace with this trial. Making peace with God to help me accept that now is not my time to be a mother. Making peace with the possibility that I may never get pregnant again. Making peace with myself that I will be okay if that is the case. Making peace with the fact that this is not the first cry I've had in the baby clothes department, and that it probably won't be my last.
Sunday I taught a lesson at church on "How can I find solutions to my challenges and problems?" We read the story of Christ calming the sea, "And there arose a great storm of wind, and the waves beat into the ship, so that it was now full.
And he was in the hinder part of the ship, asleep on a pillow: and they awake him, and say unto him, Master, carest thou not that we perish?
And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? How is it that ye have no faith?"
Mark 4: 37-40
Mark 4: 37-40
As I read that, I thought, how often do I expect the Lord to just hurry up and calm my life's storms? How often do I sink in my trials, calling out, "Master, carest not that I perish?" And how often does the Lord respond, "How is it that ye have no faith?"
So, how can I find solutions to my problems? I can read my scriptures every day for guidance. I can pray for strength to weather my storms, rather than for the storms to calm. Tyler and I can spend more time on each other and strengthening our marriage to withstand this trial. I can take advantage of the time I have now to cultivate my talents, and better myself.
And I can accept that, sometimes, crying in Target is a solution, as well.