HAPPY New Year

What began as the happiest year of our lives became the month from hell, followed by roller coaster months of depression, and now ends as the year we learned and loved more than any other.

A year ago I welcomed the New Year with one eye open, snuggled up in bed with Ty. I had fallen asleep during our Friends marathon hours before midnight, but Tyler had quietly kissed me awake and rubbed my little bump, "Happy New Year. Welcome to the best year of our lives." It was the perfect way to begin the most perfect year. At long last, we would finally have what we'd always wanted.

I never could have imagined that 2 weeks later we would find out that our little baby's heart had stopped beating, that the thing we loved most in the world was suddenly gone.

To say this year was hard would be an understatement. My process of miscarrying was awful, to say the least. My body just couldn't let go of that little miracle... maybe I just needed more time. After 7 tiring days of bleeding, contracting, and indescribable pain I finally landed in the ER, hemorrhaging. Exhausted, heartbroken and scared, I was taken in for my first surgery in my life.

The 6 weeks of physical recovery were followed by months of emotional recovery for both Tyler and I. We each had to deal in our own way. Eventually, Tyler had to admit that he was angry with God, and face Him at last to repair their relationship. Eventually, I had to admit that my depression was crippling me and seek the help of medication.

And then, as the dreaded Holidays neared, we looked at each other one night and, surprisingly, realized we were Happy. 

At long last, we are really Happy. We still don't have what we'd been hoping for. We have no evidence to give us hope that this next year will bring us anything different than the last 3. We do not have the baby we'd expected to have. We are still missing a piece from each of our hearts. But the fractures are healing and it doesn't hurt as much just to breathe. When we smile it it real, and when we laugh it is the beautiful sound I've missed so much. We are finally Happy. Happy together and happy with this life. Despite it all, this life of ours is ours. It is still good. And we are still madly in love. The trials that could have broken us strengthened us. We survived a year we didn't think we could. And we are Happy.

This is still a good life.

XO.