You might be infertile...
if you pee on sticks & in cups on a far too regular basis.
if wayyyy too many people know about your sex life.
if wayyyy too many doctors & nurses have seen your lady bits, & you stopped caring a long time ago.
if you take your pants off in any doctor's office, even if no one has asked you to.
if you've become unphased by intravaginal ultrasounds.
if you've ever had an intimate moment with a cup.
if you've ever had to carry a cup of your swimmers into the lab at the hospital & had to fill out the awkward, page long intake form with questions like, "What kind of specimen are you dropping off today?" "How long ago was the sperm collected?" "Before this collection, when was your last ejaculation?" "How was this ejaculate collected?" etc. **By the way, who knew there were so many ways to collect sperm in a cup?!
if you have ever had an ultrasound on your scrotum.
if your sex life is planned by an ovulation calendar.
if your doctor has ever prescribed intercourse.
if you have ever cried after said Dr. prescribed, lame, timed intercourse.
if you've ever been bat shit crazy on fertility meds- yes, that is the technical, medical term.
if your experiments with sex positions are determined by likelihood of conception.
if you have ever laid with four pillows under your butt & your feet over your head after sex in hopes that somehow you've created the perfect downward slope for those swimmers to make it to your lazy eggs.
if you've ever ugly cried in the baby department.
if you've ever yelled obscenities at your ovaries.
if you've ever apologized to your ovaries out of fear that you angered them even more.
if you can't believe all the money you wasted on birth control before trying to get pregnant.
if you've googled ancient fertility methods in the middle of the night when you couldn't sleep & have almost considered putting a date in your vagina in hopes the Egyptians knew something about curing sterility.
if your ovaries have to be coxed by drugs and shots of HCG to wake up and release eggs.
if your eggs are slightly mature for their age.
if you used to think having twins would be a horror, but you're starting to not hate the idea.
if you've ever wanted to punch someone who complains about how hard it is to NOT get pregnant.
if Walgreens always prints you ovulation & pregnancy test coupons, based on your frequent purchases.
if you've ever just thought, "I give up! I'll have a hysterectomy & just adopt!"
Happy Monday, infertiles everywhere!