"God is our refuge & strength, a very present help in struggle.
Therefore will not we fear.
God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her.
Be still, & know that I am God.
The Lord of hosts is with us."
I came across Psalms 46 in my scripture study the other morning. I cannot tell you enough how much I love this passage. It is one of those I've come across, and feel like the Lord inspired it just for me. Here I sit thousands of years after it was written, crying on my couch, thankful that the Lord loves me this much.
God is our refuge & strength
In a world of trial and tumult, I choose to seek refuge in my faith. My faith is in the gospel of Jesus Christ. My faith is in my loving Heavenly Father. Others may have faith in other sources, but this is mine. I believe having faith in something, in some higher power is so vital to the human existence. Without faith, life lacks meaning. Life would seem hopeless and pointless without seeking a higher purpose. Where could I find refuge in my most difficult hardships without my faith? I couldn't. I would drown in the darkness of anger and misery.
In my most difficult times, I have felt the presence of choice. Choice between faith and misery. Because really, that is it; that is the choice. When life throws you headfirst into trials, you have that choice to make: be miserable and angry, or be faithful and strong. I'm not saying it is an easy choice, but it is the choice. We have so much more power than we often give ourselves credit. Tyler and I do not have to be miserable and hopeless forever because it took so long to get pregnant or because we lost Boston just short of 12 weeks pregnant. We do not have to be angry with God now that we know the struggle ahead with our sweet Miracle Max. We CHOOSE to stay faithful, to feel hope, to feel love, to be made strong through the Lord. And by choosing faith, we know we'll find happiness - no matter the outcome.
The day I found out I was pregnant, I went to the temple. I sat alone, in awe of the miracle He'd offered me. I knelt and prayed. I told Heavenly Father how grateful I was that He had given me this blessing, and I promised Him that no matter the outcome of this pregnancy I would NEVER deny Him. I was terrified to lose this one, like Boston, but I swore to Him that I would show my gratitude by never giving up my faith. Months later, as I sat in shock as Dr. Andres explained all of Max's serious conditions, I felt myself begin to become overwhelmed with fear. I felt myself start to question, "Why would you do this, God?" I was reminded of the promise I had made Him. I was reminded of the miracle He performed in creating Max. I was reminded that my reaction to this trial was my choice. I took a deep breath, and I chose to be faithful and let the Lord give me the strength I needed to get through this.
Therefore will not we fear
Even in our darkest times, we can rely on the light of Christ to give us peace.
One of my favorite hymns:
The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?
By day and by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.
The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,
Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies
Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.
Then how can I ever in darkness remain?
The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength.
I know in his might I'll conquer at length.
My weakness in mercy he covers with pow'r,
And, walking by faith, I am blest ev'ry hour.
The Lord is my light, my all and in all.
There is in his sight no darkness at all.
He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.
With Saints and with angels his praises I'll sing.
Be still, & know
I'm not saying that trials are a cake walk. Infertility and miscarriage are two of the worst pains I have ever experienced. Pain so deep I thought I was being ripped apart. I can only imagine how that could be magnified if we lose Max after birth. But I also know the comfort of peace. I know the joy of faith in Christ and trusting God's plan. I know what it is like to feel like you cannot go on any farther, and to be lifted and carried in the arms of our Saviour. I have been still, and waited for the counsel of my God. I have heard his voice in my heart. I have heard the whisper of his sweet comfort. And I know. I know that He is God.
I know that by Him and through Him I can be made strong.