I am grateful.
I can sincerely say those are the three hardest words we can use to describe our most difficult trials. Being thankful while we endure some of life's most difficult challenges can seem impossible, but I actually am. I am grateful.
I am grateful for the years we struggled to conceive. I am grateful for my first, albeit short, pregnancy with Boston. I am grateful for this pregnancy and so grateful for Max.
I'm not going to lie to you and say this is all easy and I love it, cause that just isn't true. It, obviously, hasn't been an easy journey and, of course, I haven't always loved it. Infertility was hard on my self worth, on our marriage, and on our souls. Experiencing miscarriage was physically and emotionally more painful than I could have ever imagined. Even now, I can tell you I don't even always love being pregnant- I mean would you love puking for 3 months, peeing your pants when you sneeze, having burning acid reflux 24/7, and steadily packing on the pounds at an alarming rate? Yeah, it's not always the best. And on top of it all, my sweet baby boy is up against some scary odds. Sure, there is plenty to complain about. Some may even think that's all you can do. Everything just sucks and that's it.
But I just can't feel that way. Despite all the hard things. I can't help but feel so grateful for all of it. Sure, life might be so much easier if we would've just easily had a healthy baby years ago. But that isn't our story. And in the time since we started this journey I have learned so much more about myself, about Tyler, about love, about God, about my testimony, and about how blessings come in all ways, shapes and sizes. How could I say I wish it had all never happened? How could I wish away my faith, my blessings, my strengthened marriage, my knowledge and my testimony just because things were hard? How could I wish away my babies? How could I not be grateful for all of it?
It's a lot like pregnancy. Pregnancy is the most amazing, awful, beautiful, disgusting, magical and weird experience. My body is doing incredible and strange things to grow this small, miraculous human. I am in awe and totally freaked out. I'll take the lack of sleep, the struggle to find clothes that fit, the puking, the growth pains and the charlie horses! I WOULDN'T WANT IT ANY OTHER WAY! It is all worth it to just get him here. To just see him. Even when he's kicking me in the bladder or grinding his little head into my cervix, I'm amazed that he's in there, growing inside me. And I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.
I am grateful.
Even though Max has presented us with a new challenge, I cannot suddenly say he isn't a blessing. Just because this will be tough, doesn't mean he is suddenly not a miracle. He is a blessing and miracle even more to me now! He is everything! Tyler and I are so in love with him and so grateful. His conditions cannot change that. We know this is not a curse. Heavenly Father isn't punishing us or punishing Max. This is a blessing! Max is a blessing and his life is a blessing. Max is even MORE special to me know. He has the most gigantic spirit that is so filled with love. Carrying him is an honor. Getting to be his mother is an honor. No trial can change that.
As someone once said, trials are just difficult blessings. This will be a hard, but incredibly blessed, journey for our family.
And I am grateful.