All that is left...

So, yeah, I'll admit it... I gained almost 50 pounds during my pregnancy (and I only got to 34 weeks). YIKES! Right? Oh well. I ate as healthy as I could, but never exercised. For the first 15 weeks I felt miserably barfy and after week 18 I always felt like Max was going to fall out. So, yeah I didn't ever really feel like doing any jumping jacks...

I'd be lying to you if I said the weight gain wasn't hard on me. Weight is a struggle for me, even after 7 years in ED recovery. Thankfully, my mom was right, and most of that pregnancy weight comes off right away. Its that last 15 pounds you need to lose to button your pre-pregnancy pants that is a nightmare to get off! 

Initially, the changes to my body were difficult for me to accept. The 5 inch bikini cut scar and the purple, scraping stretch marks from there to my belly button were hard to ignore on my naked body. At first, I had a really hard time seeing the beauty in it all... until Max was gone.

 With Max gone, these scars are all that is left. My body remains as the only physical evidence that he was here. And now as the stretch marks fade, I find myself hoping they will never disappear. My scars are a reminder to me of carrying a child, of carrying my Max. Until him, I never knew for sure that I would ever carry a pregnancy to term. I don't have the baby in my arms, but I have the scars to prove I did. Now, I look at my abdomen in awe of what my body was able to do. I look at that horizontal scar and those rake marks stretching up my belly and think of how Max once grew, lived and moved inside me. I think of how I was cut open and he was carefully and quickly pulled to safety.  

So, now, I look at these marks with love. They are so special to me! I look at these marks, and I am so grateful to be a woman. I look at these marks and I know I am a mother. 

So, dear mothers, be grateful for your marks. Be grateful for the scars that make you a mommy- whatever those scars may be! The stretch marks, the surgery scars, track marks from all your blood draws, or the scars from all your shots. Be so grateful for the physical marks left on you and remember when you hold your baby close that, for some mothers, those scars are all that they have left.