Into the Forest I go...

I read this quote not too long ago, probably on Pinterest,
"And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul." 
and I thought of it again this weekend while I wandered through trees and around lakes in the Uintas.

We went camping with our family. If you haven't camped in the Uintas, put it on your bucket list and check it off soon. By far, it is among the most beautiful places I have ever seen! It's cold, it will probably rain at some point during the day, but it is worth staying for.

Most of the family fish. I don't. So I walked the trails along and around the lakes, thinking, taking in the majestic views, and taking pictures.

I watched my brother-in-law and sister-in-law with my nephew. I watched them teaching him to fish for the first time. I watched them walk hand-in-hand. I watched them be the adorable little family I love. And while I watched them, I thought of the babies I never knew and I thought of Max. I thought about this time last year and how we wondered what our lives would be like a year from then. I knew then that it was very possible that Max wouldn't be here, but I'd hoped with all of my being that he would be. Tyler and I had dreamed of how our little family would be with a son with many disabilities. We embraced it. We weren't scared of living that life. We were only scared of not having our little boy. And as I watched my sister-in-law swing my nephew up to sit on her shoulders, I thought about how Tyler had said he would carry Max every day of his life, if he couldn't walk. And as our sweet little nephew ran around the lakes and through the mud and tall grass, I thought of how I could have a baby carrier strapped on me with Max while I followed.

I wondered what life would be like if Max had lived. And I even dared to wonder what life would be like if Max had been a completely healthy child.

In these thoughts, my heart teetered between joy and pain. Joy in what I have, and pain in what I've lost. Joy in what could be, and pain in what may never come again.

I don't know what the future holds right now. I don't know how Tyler and I will create a family. I don't know what the Lord has in store. But I do know that the Lord has a plan. I know that in the future I will feel the joy I once held in my arms again. I know that in my soul.

My soul is at such complete peace in the mountains. In the quiet, beautiful places the Lord has created I feel I can hear Him best. I can let go of all the crazy things that pester my mind in the real world, and I can escape to my true soul in the shadow of the trees.

So, as I pondered by the lakes, this weekend, I thought of that quote and this little poem came to me.

Finding peace in the quiet of the mountains.
Finding joy in the land of the Lord.
Finding hope in the great wide open.

I lost myself in the forest,
but I found my very own soul.
-Brittany King