A year ago today, we celebrated our anniversary early with a day trip to SLC to meet with the pediatric neurosurgeons at Primary's. We spent hours looking at the MRI they took of my abdomen trying to make sense of what to do with Max. They had given us hope that they believed he could survive to delivery, but they were not sure beyond that. An MRI after birth would tell us more, but the Dr. did feel we could lengthen Max's life with a few surgeries.
Afterwards we got dinner & took a sunset walk around Temple Square. I remember walking through the streams of sunlight as they peaked and shined around the temple, and talking about all the what-ifs: What if things turn out to be better than they look on his MRI? What if he's severely handicapped? What if none of this works?... What if he doesn't make it?
I remember standing in the shadow of the Salt Lake City Temple as Tyler wiped tears from my cheeks and said, "We know the odds don't give us a lot of hope for long life for Max. So, we'll love him with every second we get. And when he goes, we will hold on to each other and our faith in God. That's all we can do, Brit. It's what we have to do." I knew in that moment that no matter how hard it would be to lose our son, we could do it. I knew I could get through anything with Tyler, and with the Lord. We did our signature pinky swear with tears in our eyes, saying our promise, "Forever and Always, Always and Forever, To Infinity and Beyond."
We had this talk so many times before Max was born and on daily drives to the NICU. We were constantly promising ourselves, each other and Heavenly Father that we would remain faithful, no matter what came. We knew we could not let this push us away from our faith or push us apart.
Especially after Max was born, it became even harder to accept the possibility of his death. I remember the first time they put him in my arms. He was a week old and I could not even contain my emotions. I remember thinking, "How will I ever survive without this? What will I do when I can't hold him anymore" I rocked him in tears, praying to God to let me keep him a little longer. I am forever grateful that Heavenly Father gave us the tender mercy and unbelievable miracle of five beautiful weeks with our sweet boy.
No matter the difficulty, no matter the trial, I promise you that it's never worth it to walk away from God in your greatest hour of need. Leaving faith does not erase the problems, it only erases your lifeline to endure. Keep praying. Keep believing.