Well, sweet girl, I miss you already.
It's been over a week since we stared at the ultrasound screen, tears brimming in our eyes, as Dr. Lister desperately searched for your heartbeat. But you were already gone. Just like Todd and Boston, your measurements showed that we'd lost you a few weeks before. Somewhere between 9-10 weeks you just couldn't make it. And just like it had before, it broke our hearts.
We took a deep breath, daddy kissed my forehead, and we made another heartbroken exit from the OB office.
In some ways, this gets easier. In other ways, it feels more painful. As much as I hate to say it, I wasn't even shocked, and we are kind of getting used to this. It occurred to me as we left the doctor's office that day, that we have lost a baby every year for the last four years.
I cannot believe you are our fourth baby! And a girl! (... or so I believe. Daddy isn't so convinced.)
I'm torn between feeling so incredibly grateful to have FOUR babies, and heartbroken that none of you have stayed with us. I mean, when we started this journey years ago we were desperate just to get pregnant and terrified it may never happen. Now, it seems, we've graduated from not be able to get pregnant to not be able to keep you. So, that sense I'm grateful. However, losing each of you hasn't gotten easier and I miss you all desperately.
Do you know why we named you Faith? You see, with each pregnancy, your sweet daddy has given me a blessing. And with each we'd received special guidance or knowledge about your brothers. But, this time, with you, Heavenly Father just told us to have faith. We were told that we needed to enjoy however much time we had and to just move forward happily with faith. I immediately knew that was what I would have to call you.
Because of that blessing, I did enjoy every minute of my 11 weeks pregnant with you. I was able to just have faith in God and in you, and trust that no matter what became of you it would all be okay. I was able to feel at peace and not feel worry and dread constantly. For that I am so so grateful.
My sweet little Faith. You strengthened me. You gave me hope. You renewed my faith in my Savior. You made me a better person, a better mama. Because of you I am filled with even more love. Daddy and I love you endlessly. Until we meet at last, little love.