Choose Hope

Five and a half years ago, when Tyler and I decided we wanted to start our family, we never could have imagined this journey. Because of complications or diseases, some women know about their fertility issues in advance. For us, it was a complete surprise. 

After the first 6 months I was frustrated. After 8 months I was sad. When we were approaching a year, I became very worried. When the doctor used the word "infertility," I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I think it's safe to say I was significantly changed that day and I've never been the same- in both good ways and bad. However, even then, I never could have foreseen what would come, because I only thought the problem was getting pregnant. Just like infertility had never crossed my mind before trying to get pregnant, losing a pregnancy or a child had also not been on my radar. 

So, when we finally found out I was pregnant with Boston I didn't even feel really worried. And then, when I got pregnant with Max I only thought about getting past the stage when we'd lost Boston. Now? Gosh, now I feel like there is no "safe-zone," I guess. And really, there isn't. 

Five and a half years ago, I never could have imagined that by 2017 we would be parents to 4 babies in heaven. I never could have even dreamed a nightmare that could have even made me worry about anything remotely close to what has happened. I never could have known I would have 3 pregnancies end before the 2nd trimester or that my son would have been buried before his due date, or that these problems would not be singular. 

It was nearly 5 years later that we finally got to the real root of our problems. After Max and a 2nd miscarriage we found out about my balanced translocation. What does that mean? Well, my chromosomes, number 5 and 18, have just switched places. And while I am fine and healthy, that chromosome swap in my eggs's DNA confuses the hell out of Tyler's sperm. So, when a pregnancy occurs there is only a 1 in 8 chance of that baby also having a balanced translocation, like me. The rest of the time, the DNA is all screwy and the baby can't survive. In our experience, so far, those unbalanced babies die between 9-10 weeks. Despite all of Max's problems, he actually did have a balanced translocation, like me. So, go figure! 

So, now my ovulation dysfunction that prevented us from getting pregnant for 3 years isn't even the real problem! Since, having Max I actually ovulate pretty regularly now. Even just a year ago I never would have thought there would come a day that we'd be preventing pregnancy. It still seems crazy to me! Like, how did we go from desperately trying to get pregnant to being pretty well terrified of becoming pregnant? Talk about a plot twist!

So, how do you keep hoping when everything seems so hopeless? Real talk? It's freaking hard. I mean, the odds are stacked against us. And with each loss, it is more and more discouraging. Our faith has been tried over and over again. We have hit points of heartbreak that felt like nothing could ever be worse, and then it got worse. Yet, here we are. We survived and we're still hoping. 

We're hoping. Hoping that maybe someday a healthy baby will make it home with us. Hoping that maybe a pregnancy will last. Hoping that maybe someone who isn't ready for motherhood will put their baby in our ready arms. Hoping and believing that God has great things in store for us. Hoping and believing that families are forever, and we'll see our babies again. 

We're hoping, because the only other option is to dwell despair. So, we choose hope. We choose to hope for the best, have faith in God, and believe that despite it all THIS IS STILL A GOOD LIFE.