Lately I've been trying to come to terms with where we are at on this journey. I've been trying to sort out my feelings and accept the fact that it's probably going to be awhile before have a child.
When the genetic counselor first explained the condition of my balanced translocation after our second miscarriage, my initial reaction was to stop trying to conceive. There was no way I thought I could move forward with such low odds of conceiving a healthy baby. I didn’t know how I could ever keep enduring more miscarriages and D&C's.
In the months that followed that loss, the Lord empowered me with the strength I needed, and we came to the decision that we would keep trying to conceive. Well, just like that, I was pregnant again! We were in shock at how easy this had become. Both pregnancies following Max's birth had been conceived without medications, or shots. No stressing or thinking about it; just, BAM! Pregnant. I thought that maybe my near-full-term pregnancy had kick my body into baby making mode. I was suddenly filled with hope. Even when we lost baby Faith, and even though I knew that there might be more losses, at least we weren't dealing with the TTC problems we had faced for the years before Max.
But now, it’s been a year since I found out I was pregnant for that 4th time, and we’re right back where we were before Max’s miraculous conception. What's up ovaries? Why won't you give up your eggs???
Sometimes (allthetime) it's hard to accept God's will. When we pray we are truly comforted, but I still feel disappointed in knowing that now is just not the time for us.
Looking into adoption has been halted, for now, because we feel very strongly that it’s not the right time. Twice, now, I’ve been shared possible opportunities and then had the sinking confirmation, “this is not your baby.” And that has been another heartbreak for me. I prayed and prayed for months, hoping that answer would change, but I finally had to accept my Heavenly Father’s will and trust Him on this.
I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know why we can’t always have the righteous desires of our hearts. I wish I could tell you I more, but after 7 years I only really know that we do not endure trials because God doesn’t love us. That could not be further from the truth. Despite lacking the things we want, the Lord abundantly blesses us with many things we need. He has never left us comfortless. And while I may experience many days struggling with doubts or fears, I do know that this is not hopeless. I know that my Father in Heaven does have a plan for me and for Tyler, and He has a plan for each of you. In His time, promised blessings will be revealed. And that’s the hope I hold on to.
This is still a good life.